what can she do to believe in dreams again?

it feels like it isnt real.

because her dream is not going to be real

now she need to go somewhere real.

so she sat in the train, with her shades,
to cover the tears running down her face,
to no avail, with much embarassment,
she sniff and wipe her eyes and put on the shade again.

she extract RM100 from the bank machine

then towards the shop to pay her phone bill.

she walk back to the station and head to the city

city is real. city is where u can be real.

there are people are around u. u need to be real.
she walk with heavy thinking steps into the mall,

the mall beside the hotel where he stays,

she looked and sighed. she remembered someone told her,

that her sigh sounded like the world is going to end,

she secretly agrees because her world is going to crash.

but she is trying to be okay, she know she will be okay.

she has a plan to feel real. she put her shades into her bag

she will use the complimentary GSC Gold Class ticket

(courtesy of her ex-colleague Victor Hoffman)

to watch Incredible Hulk, she doesnt have expectations,

she is just being as real as this moment can give her,

she will walk into the big bookstore,

even though she can't spend a penny,

she will still look at books that may interest her.

and wish that someday she can own and read it.

she saw the coffee place and the ice cream place.

she needs more injection of happiness,

she settled for ice cream, she smiled,

but it was so polite, it must be so cold & obvious,

the ice cream scooper looked at her again & again

to see if she's okay. they were so nice to her,

its like they can sense her world is crashing.

she took out a book, abt a japanese girl,

who went travelling around in japan.

she sat for an hour. she didnt feel any better.

she has flashback of the sadness that befalls her now

and for a long long time maybe. she laugh at her own

drama-ness, but she knows its real sadness.

now time for her movie. it couldnt be more lonely than this.

she wanted to ask him out for a movie when he was here.

but she is already immune and has forget what its like,

to feel happy anymore and she didnt even know how to ask

"lets go watch a movie, i save this ticket just for us"

she wish she had said it, she really planned for it.

but he's gone now,

she'd be fine alone, and she watch as motion goes,

she cant interpret anymore, her head is too heavy.

the Gold Class was such a treat,

she feel so guilty being there alone.

she wants to walk out of the cinema...

she is ready to.... then she thought better of it.

she need to be real, she need to keep going,

she will watch this and decide what to do next.

and she was scared. she's scared of big ugly things.

it juts out from the screen, like its coming to get her.

she curl up like a ball, under the thick blanket,

she press her face to the side, and peek the screen,

tears were welling up her eyes, she had never felt

so scared in a room full of people, she wants him to be here.

it didnt help at all, that people say that he look like edward norton.

maybe a little, but thats enough to drive her to miss him like crazy.

movie ended. she exit the cinema and walk towards the station.

passing hordes of people, then onto a lonely street.

when she reach home, she decided to take a cab.

the fare was RM2.10, she paid him RM2.80,

just because she feel like she can afford that extra cent

to make someone else happy.

she walk home. she showered. she wash her clothes.

she upload pictures. and she is at loss on what she can do anymore.

she just want to be real, and believe in things again...

she's not sure if she ever will believe in her dreams anymore..

when everything is going to crash on her....

she only have monday and maybe a week....

maybe she will be okay, maybe she will not,

but right now, she is crying so much,

she keeps talking to herself to calm herself down.