i have to miss Memories of Matsuko. :/

just because of this responsibility,
i have to miss a japanese movie that i've been eyeing,
its the last day showing on GSC,
and i cant even go watch it,
im really really sad!
i could be a really bad person and watch it first,
and do my task tomorrow, but no....
i'm nice, i try to do it as soon as i can...
so what do i say when all is done?
when i say all is done,
it doesnt mean a completion of task,
it means - a result / an outcome -
because....
spent the whole weekend worrying about the cash,
spent the whole weekend hoping that the airport tax
wont sky high in just a short few days,
spent the whole weekend pestering people to pay up,
so i could buy all our tickets together,
spent the whole time worrying about my stuff,
and everyone else's business......
im really tired.... but i have to do it....
and i'm stressed out carrying the cash,
im thankful KK turned up to accompany me & mom,
its like, i dont have enough cash, im using mom's card,
i'm using his card, just to make sure, we get everyone's tickets,
i feel so useless, why am i not some rich person,
so i can just go and swipe my gold card or something.....
im stealing sometime just to vent out the frustration....
because im suppose to calculate the cost, and inform
everyone, so they have to pay up..... the remainder,
its not our fault that the airport tax and fuel surcharges increase,
by at least 2-300 bucks....in just one week's time....
im also stressed because my colleague told me that commission
can't be paid out on time, that means, i have to start figuring out ways,
or give up altogether going there... im so very very disturb & bothered...
i have a big stack of namecards, i know i can ask them for a favor,
but i refuse to. i dont want to owe a favor, its the crappiest feeling on earth.
i'd rather draw line, and go about my business, and pay my own stuff,
than to wait for someone's kindness, or reluctant kindness,
because i just cant bear it and use the money without feeling guilty.
i really dont belong in this world, i will lose out to people,
just because i'm scared to use these opportunities to ask for money,
what the hell am i doing in sales, it doesnt seem to help at all,
it actually make things worst, because im defeated by my own defeat,
knowing full well i cant do it, but i still try to do it, i want to be good,
but i cant seem to be good enough for me or for anyone.......
this is so sad and disturbing, i feel like such a failure....