my head wants me to be thoughtless

it felt like the time when i watch
Turtles Can Fly
during a world vision event,
when the film ends, i walked beside shuxian,
for a long long time i couldn't speak
up until i crawl into my sleeping bag
it was shuxian who was the one talking
i felt dis-attached from the world,
as her voice is trying to bring things back to earth,
but its just something about the film
that disturbs me so much
i lost a part of me.
+++++++++++++++++
many days since many weeks ago
somewhere & sometime when
i had time to myself
it was an ordinary day
something stir in me and
it woke up from its deep sleep
i still listen to things that goes by
i suddenly feel like i lost the ability
to speak my mind and act what is right
in my heart, i want to eat some dinner,
in my head, it controls me & starved,
i followed my head. as it continues to churn
reasons and reasons and reasons
for me to do certain things.
i am typing this while the head is still fast asleep,
i want to regain my heart back, i want to feel again,
i want to be back, i want myself back,
in my heart, i have a deep and hollow feeling,
in my head, i make myself smile & laugh,
in my heart, i dont want to hurt you at all,
in my head, it tells me i must protect myself,
and so i begin to do things, i cant explain to you either,
because my head wont make any sense for me
when i talk, it disrupts my intention & words,
i want to smack my head i cant
i want throw it away i cant
right now the head is very happy,
that no one is controlling its thought,
its forming thoughts on its own,
and my heart is really afraid of it,
it cant stand up against the head,
the heart is hiding and hiding,
it needs something to support it
before the head damages it even further.
+++++++++++++++++++