my head wants me to be thoughtless

it felt like the time when i watch
Turtles Can Fly
during a world vision event,
when the film ends, i walked beside shuxian,
for a long long time i couldn't speak
up until i crawl into my sleeping bag
it was shuxian who was the one talking
i felt dis-attached from the world,
as her voice is trying to bring things back to earth,
but its just something about the film
that disturbs me so much
i lost a part of me.
+++++++++++++++++
many days since many weeks ago
somewhere & sometime when
i had time to myself
it was an ordinary day
something stir in me and
it woke up from its deep sleep
i still listen to things that goes by
i suddenly feel like i lost the ability
to speak my mind and act what is right
in my heart, i want to eat some dinner,
in my head, it controls me & starved,
i followed my head. as it continues to churn
reasons and reasons and reasons
for me to do certain things.
i am typing this while the head is still fast asleep,
i want to regain my heart back, i want to feel again,
i want to be back, i want myself back,
in my heart, i have a deep and hollow feeling,
in my head, i make myself smile & laugh,
in my heart, i dont want to hurt you at all,
in my head, it tells me i must protect myself,
and so i begin to do things, i cant explain to you either,
because my head wont make any sense for me
when i talk, it disrupts my intention & words,
i want to smack my head i cant
i want throw it away i cant
right now the head is very happy,
that no one is controlling its thought,
its forming thoughts on its own,
and my heart is really afraid of it,
it cant stand up against the head,
the heart is hiding and hiding,
it needs something to support it
before the head damages it even further.
+++++++++++++++++++

Last Sunday of 2007

i guess i'll look back on year 2007,

on new year's day itself. in the meantime,

its a very very hot sunday, the last one in 2007.

i sit in my room, read, sleep, listen to my music,

doing nothing out of the norm, and yet, i know

i am not the same person stepping into 2008 soon,

because 2007 had been such a dramatic year.

i guess it was good to step outside for a while,

to have lunch with good ol' friends and watch a movie,

but i know i couldnt be bothered with the world around me,

not looking at anything or anyone or thinking abt anything,

i feel empty, its not sad, its not happy, its just empty.

and so i took a picture.

and another one in the evening,

cos i feel the same emptiness that has not changed,
but i know the current beneath is just waiting to erupt,

when i am ready to make a decision,

in the meantime, i just want to stay this way,

as an empty unbothered oblivious person,

on the last sunday of 2007.

until i hear from you, i'll stay this way.