The Richest Bastard on Earth.

An hour before midnight

I left the house to fetch my mom home from work

I was busy thinking about the problems that I have today

making ppl angry, making myself angry, not achieving what i want

and a myriads of other problems that

makes me feel so weak so useless so dejected

I drove aimlessly cos its like an auto drive

that recognizes the route to my mom's office (

without TRAFFIC cos its such a dead night....

Mom came into the car still energetic after a day's work

I asked her my standard question "how was work?"

She replied enthusiastically that there

was a really good recorder/secretary that came to help

I said, "oh...." and mom goes on and on,

while I dwell on my problems and drove aimlessly....

"she was really different, in the way she handles work,

she thinks a step ahead for you, solution before problem arises,

and does things beyond what she is suppose to do,

i think it becomes a second nature coming from a family like hers..."

that caught my interest, "what do you mean?"

my mom goes on with her story and not really answering my question

"when she went for an inspector interview last year,

the examinar told her that she's too fat, and

her fitness level is not up to par,

but she wants the inspector rank so bad,

she told the examiner to keep her on the list for one more year,

and she will be back to take the exam with better fitness

and she promise that she will slim down too,"

mom goes on " but i look at the young girl today....

i think she's still not fit enough to pass this year,

so i asked her how many weight did she lose?

she said 10kg, i personally think she's not gonna make it,

its not abt losing the weight, its building her fitness too,

but i didnt think it was a right thing to say to her,

i asked her instead why is she so determined for that inspector exam?

she said because the pay cheque is higher as an inspector,

and thats because as the eldest, she is taking care of her mom

and her younger brother...."

i was thinking, eldest of the family is a really familiar term for me too.

so whats the big deal here? i tried my best to take of my family too.

until my mom said.....

"her family only source of income was her father,

who passed away few years ago, and because of that,

the siblings of the father, came and take away the house

that they are living in! losing the main source of income,

without a shelter, the mom, the younger brother

and herself are forced to leave, she came to KL to find a job

to support her family, when she started working,

she didnt even have a proper address to live in,

and at the same time she needs to transfer

her younger brother to come study in town,

so they can all live together,

but without a valid address, or proper paperwork

there was no way she can get him here,

she went to the city school, literally, begged the headmaster

to accept her brother somehow, as she was telling me this,

she wasnt complaining, it was merely sharing,

she told me that through all the hardest times,

she had cried, she had teared, but her focus was to survive,

i admire her positiveness, a lot would've given up already,

so the exam is really crucial to her, because it means

an extra few hundred ringgit more to live on,

she even said that during chinese new year,

she prbbly spend as much as us chinese,

because her brother loves mandarin oranges,

but they cannot afford the luxury,

but she kept that in mind, and saved for the occasion,

she went to giant hypermarket for 3 boxes of mandarin oranges,

and bring it home, her brother was so happy with it,

and she said he could eat 1 crate all by himself!"

my mom continued

"and yet we cant even finish that bowl in our house!"

"when i called her in for work today was because,

my other recorder couldnt work odd night shift,

because she is a single mom, with a 5 year old kid at home,

if she works night shift, she will have to carry her baby here,

to sleep in the office while she work until the morning,

so between these two recorders, we decided to ask the first girl

to come and work with us, even before i mentioned anything

about meal allowance, she happily agreed to help us,

so i guess she'll be really happy in the end

when we really do give her supper allowance,"

i asked, "and how much will that be?"

"8 ringgit"

believe me, 8 ringgit makes a huge difference.

because i've met some of them and i know their stories too.

if you could only see how they treasure one ringgit,

you will feel like the richest bastard on earth. seriously.

never again

metaphors

i was doing house chores,

i was checking my phone,

i was looking at the clock,

i was thinking about my watch,

the watch that i thought will never cross my path,

the watch that accidentally came to me,

the watch that spends time with me, all the time,

the watch that i find is actually quite perfect for me,

the watch that i like to look out for every now and then,

the watch that i like to care for gently,

the watch that makes me proud of it,

the watch that i learn to be dependent to,

the watch that has a special place on my desk,

and the watch that i eventually fell in love with,

as i always wonder about how funny it is....

our unexpected sweet encounter....

~~~***~~~

BUT at the same time with the watch,

i was given signs,

i felt a warning,

i was worried,

i was possesive,

i was fully aware about my dependence on it,

i always knew if i lose it one day, in anyway,

either snatched away,

losing it, misplacing it,

or just out wear it.....

i will be devastated, seriously.

~~~***~~~

i told myself its only a watch,

cos i can always

find a new one,

buy a new one,

steal a new one,

or just get someone to buy me one.

but deep down inside i know,

no watch can ever replace it,

the exact same way it came into my life

and made me who i am today.

~~~***~~~

you think it may be just a watch that i lost,

and that its such a drama that i am depress right now

with no appetite and is having nightmares already,

because to me, it reminded me again and again,

just like a metaphor

all things are impermanent in this world

even you and me are

~~~***~~~

and its no wonder i realize when i desire something,

i will myself to look at its impermanence,

so i will choose to let go

choose not to get close

choose to just watch and not touch

choose to just be cold and careless

choose to forbade its entrance

and most importantly

choose to break its heart before it breaks mine

i mean, who am i to deserve such a perfect watch?

the moment i saw it, i knew its going to someone else,

but i wonder why life is such a joke,

to give me something so sweet

and yet let me suffer the loss of it

suddenly everything is like a joke,

like a trap straight to my weakest emotion

~~~***~~~

maybe with time you will understand

why am i so difficult sometimes

i know you keep thinking and trying,

to talked me out of this deep gutter,

but honestly, i really do not want to

ever again experience a loss like this,

so dont try,

you know you will just break my heart even more

the day when everything decides to

vanish from me again.

~~~***~~~

My Favourite Shy Kitten

I am actually a very quiet person.

I like to spend time alone.

I also feel contented easily with life.

I am really really a person who can

be very very very happy just to be alone.

I am talking about myself,

not the kitten....who by the way

is also very shy, like me. :)

Bcos i know i am shy,

thats why i worry when i talk to ppl,

i try very very hard to communicate

i tried and found an easier way

that is, i must learn

to trust a stranger to be a friend

and they always meant well

that will be easier for me to communicate

but this is a BIG problem

bcos i become very gullible

but no matter what

i trust that there's always good in this world

even if i feel awful at times and

look at how other ppl suffer as well

i just hope fervently that they,

as well as myself, can overcome it.

and so i began to look at small happy things

and make it seem like a very big happy things

and from there i can maximise the joy & happiness

like going home at punctual time

eating dinner with mom

watching reality shows with dad

pinching my lil brother or

just watching him sleep like a pig

and now my new found friends

4 stocking-ed kittens...

i sigh...how i wish things are simple.